Positively Positive Jay (onefalsemove) wrote in bitchpantsusa,
Positively Positive Jay
onefalsemove
bitchpantsusa

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for the zine:

ATTACK OF THE SEAWEED-EATERS!

By Jay Edge
DISCLAIMER:
This article does not necessarily represent the thoughts of Bitchpants Zine, but it should

Some things really annoy me. Some things make me want to break other people’s noses. But some things are just incorrect, and make me want to say “I’m write, you’re wrong end of story!!!!” Actually most things make me want to say that, but that’s a whole different article.
What I am really here to talk about is a growing trend, that is in my opinion morally wrong and really dumb. This trend, and the people involved do not label themselves with a name, but for the purposes of this article they will be the new age foodists. Yes, you’ve seen them before. No, they’re not hippies. These are you’re neighbors, you’re friends. They are hard to tell apart from other people, but they are NOT the same thing. You can spot these people in such places as:
- organic food stores
- organic or vegetarian restaurants
- anywhere with the word “macrobiotic” in it.
I first discovered this strange subculture through a book I read called “Whole Foods For the Whole Family.” I came across it by accident as I was babysitting one day, it was on the bookshelf behind me and I started to thumb through it out of boredom. What I saw inside made me want to take a huge board and smash someone’s head in, until it was covered in their blood and they didn’t have a face and they COULDN’T EVEN BE IDENTIFIED BY THEIR DENTAL BECAUSE THEIR BONES WERE EACH IN A HUNDERED TINY PIECES COVERED IN RED, RED BLOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So of course I kept reading. This book expressed that sugar was probably the worst thing on earth you could possibly eat. This woman would have gladly sucked down radioactive waste before she would eat sugar. She said in the book that she kept no sugar in her home, and that her daughter, after coming home from “sugar-fest cake filled birthday parties” often requested a sheet of nori, a kind of seaweed, or as she called it a “sea-vegetable”. Most new age foodists eat lots of seaweed for it’s mineral content, and disgustingness. The more disgusting a food is, the more likely a new age foodist is to eat it. She said that children especially are sensitive to sugar, and that it is no wonder after sugar filled holidays they will come down with colds and sore throats. Sugar, according to our new age foodist author also causes mood swings, crime, and is even personality altering.
But it doesn’t end there. Another type of new age foodist is the “raw foodist.” This person eats only raw foods, nothing cooked. When I heard about this diet, I knew it was very new agey, but my mom and I decided to give it a try. After hearing about it’s effects, weight loss, more energy, general well-being, how could I say no? After a day of eating nothing but raw nuts and lettuce I had a head ache, was light headed, sick to my stomach, less energetic than ever, felt somewhat depressed, and had other bodily dysfunctions that I won’t get into because this is a family paper. Needless to say, that diet sucked.
I gave it one last chance however, and tried a few recipes from these cookbooks. Mrs. Anti-Sugar was by far the worst. I’d rather drink toxic waste then seaweed shakes any day.

Like what you read? Don’t like what you read? TOO BAD! Email me at xjayedgex@hotmail.com with your opinions except that they’re probably wrong.
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